If I know what's good for me, I won't be updating until Sunday morning of next week because I've got SAT II's this weekend!!!!!!

The thing that carried me through my SAT's in May was knowing that if I scored well, I'd have the chance to bid at Monticello in October because I won't have to take the SAT's again.  And surprise surprise, the first thing that occurred to Hannah Rothman after I told her my score was that I'd be able to bid at Monticello. 

I'm taking the SAT II IC in Math and US History.  Wish me luck!!

Then the ACT's on June 9th. 

After that I've got an Intel presentation, proposal and 10 article summaries to complete.  And in-school finals.  And making up Regents exams from sophmore year because I decided to go to debate camp at Iowa instead of taking tests. 

And learning everything for the first time in physics to pass the junior Regents.  Ouch.

But after all this, I'll be on the beach for two weeks straight until I hit California for debate camp at UCLA and to tour colleges.  I just need to get through this month first.

In the words of Yael Langer- "leave love".

Currently Reading Death on the Nile (Hercule Poirot Mysteries (Paperback)) By Agatha Christie see related

I've got the vintage version of "Death on the Nile" as it was ORIGINALLY published in 1938.  Whoa.  Angela Dallara made fun of my book quirk, and it hurt my feelings, but the yellow crusted pages and rudimentary printing job is truly awesome, so her hurtful words didn't upset me very much. 

THOUGHTS ON DEBATE

I'm sitting in front of my computer next to the open window enjoying the mist that the wind is bringing in (and the fresh scent of the trees when it rains... because my trees must be magical!), and I'm thinking how I haven't had the opportunity to do this in a very long time.  What with debate tournaments and lab work and assignments and tests (arrgh) I'm lucky to get 3 hrs of sleep a night. So just sitting here and doing nothing = amazing and exhilarating and overall awesome. 

Haha and imagine, if I hadn't screwed up my first round at CFL qualifyers (for which I skipped March SAT's by the way) and had actually qualified, I probably wouldn't be here (this weekend = CFL nats duhh).  At the same time, I wouldn't feel like I let everyone down.  I don't feel like I'm "entitled" to win every round because there IS some amazing talent out there- but when I lose, part of the reason I'm upset is because I know that people were counting on me to win.

Things have definitely changed from several years ago, when I used to be a baby freshmen and looked up to Nick like he was a debate-god.  I remember that the most gratifying moment of freshmen year was when I won the Bronx MHL, and when I returned from collecting my thigh-high trophy, Nick said "congratulations".  His tone had zero emotion, and that was all he had said to me all day, but I was just enthralled that this legend of all people would wish MEE congratulations.

Now, I feel like the tables have turned.  Instead of having Nick to look up to, I'm fulfilling the role that he used to play- with Hannah "team role model".  Nick and I are probably two of the most different people you will ever encounter, but the position of "captain" has perhaps thrown us into the same boat.  I didn't want to emulate his personality (to tell you the truth, I've tried very hard to avoid doing some of the things he used to do) but I wanted to be like him in the debate sense.  I used the word "inherently" excessively, and I asked "nick-like" questions in c-x even when I didn't realize their strategic value.  I can't say that the rest of the team now looks up to me like I looked up to Nick, but there's definitely self-induced pressure to succeed.

So what does this mean for me?  In the last year, I've  gone from following instructions, to giving them.  I didn't notice how significant this change was until Harvard (this year), when I saw Nick again and he coached me through prelims + my break round.  It felt just like old times: I was able to take advice from someone and have faith in their instructions.  When he looked over my cases, asked me a couple "drill" questions and approved of my answers to them, I felt much more confident in how solid my cases were.  He "legitimized" them.  This was the complete opposite from what I've been doing all year (and what I did while at the tournament)- editing cases + drilling others, much in the same capacity that Nick did for me.  The "juxtaposition" of the two roles (I guess you can say) at Harvard made me realize how different times are... and how much I miss old times.  This is not to say that I doubt my ability to give good coaching advice to others on my team, just that it was nicer the other way around.

This of course, shouldn't be an insult to Jon (debate coach) because he's helped me immensely through everything.  He's helped further my personal debate career as well as relieve some of the pressure involved in team administrative issues.  Thanks to him, I can graduate next year confident that our team's got a bright future.  Still, I think that I wasn't able to have complete faith in his instruction at Harvard because as a freshmen and sophmore, I was used to following Nick blindly- and it was easy (even comforting) to fall back into that type of relationship.  Since then however (through junior year prior to Jon's arrival), I've developed my own convictions, personal preferences and style, and its become much more difficult to just trust that what another person has to say is best for me.

The change was inevitable.  Looking back, it just makes sense that as the older team members graduate, new leaders need to take their place.  It just never occured to me that I'd be taking over their responsibilities- completely.  I took over for Nick (although I didn't replace him because no one can quite replace Nick) and now I'll be taking over for Gaby (who told me to take drugs).  The lesson that can be taken from this amazingly long entry is that the "next generation" will soon have to take over for us.  Whether that means that they should enjoy being novices while it lasts, or whether they should anticipate the change in leadership so that it doesn't shock them senseless is completely up to them.

The Love Interest (My Two Cents)

I think that if a person tried hard enough, they could exert some control over who they are attracted to.  There are definitely biological factors that send sparks flying, but they can be battled with psychological reasons to resist.  This explains why I don't grab every guy who's walking down the street to make out with him. 

At the same time, for reasons unknown to me, its really really hard to get over a silly crush.  I think its not so much that we're interested in that particular person, its much more that we're infatuated with the notion of infatuation.  We love being in love, without much consideration for who the person is. 

This is why people advertise their crushes, either to close friends or publicly on sites like sconex (not to bash it because I have one too). Admiring someone for their qualities definitely doesn't require announcing it to the world: we just enjoy the attention that we receive by admitting that we have a crush (oooooh).  And for those of us who remain quiet, we obssess in private, but are nonetheless basking in the self-induced glow of having the hots for someone.

Okay.  So we crush for the sake of having a crush.  This has scary implications... and it can't be 100% true.  Like I said before, this would mean that we have equal chances of getting involved with any random person that we meet.  To mitigate that, my theory is this: there's an initial attraction based solely on two people's appreciation for the other's qualities.  THEN after some alone/reflective time people begin to enjoy the idea of being infatuated: they enjoy fairy tale concepts like "falling head over heels" and "true love".  The subject of infatuation becomes less important- he/she becomes a tool for keeping that feeling alive (afterall, how can we crush without someone to crush over?). 

I think that this is the reason few crushes develop into long term relationships.  The person crushing doesn't want to relinquish the excitement that they feel just from acknowledging that they have a crush, even at the expense of truly getting to know the crushee (subject of the crush) better. 

The assumption is that crushes are more exciting than relationships, which I think is a safe one to make.  One can also make the argument that a person is merely not approaching their crush because they are nervous, but I think that that nervousness is caused by an obsession that stems partially from being in love with love.

The initial spark may be triggered by anything, and while it isn't 100% arbitrary, this theory certainly doesn't feed into the idea of a "soul mate".  I can crush over someone, despite knowing that they're an asshole (or have an asshole-ish personality) because I was first drawn to his cute hair and adorable brown eyes.  He has BAD qualities, but I'm still attracted to him because I like entertaining the idea of a crush.

Angela Dallara says my views on this subject are depressing.  She claims that there is indeed one true "soul mate" out there for each of us... we just don't find them because humanity is "lazy and incompetent".  Okay.  I think that not finding our true love is equally as depressing as a "true love" not existing- except that the latter makes scientifically more sense.

- Tsz Ting

Thought is the labour of the intellect,
reverie is its pleasure.
—Victor Hugo

Here's a song I haven't heard in a very long time.  Its got THE most beautiful imagery I've ever seen in lyrics.  This song has gotten me through tons of rough debate tournaments.  I played it to mend broken spirits after devastating rounds and on sad bus rides home during sophmore year (when I had my ass kicked blue by debating Varsity).  Haha needless to say, now I react quite differently to dropping rounds... lord knows if you brought an ipod close to me I'd prolly throw it against a wall and then stomp on it until it shattered to pieces.  Nevertheless, this song brings back memories...

Never Saw Blue Like That

Shawn Colvin

Today I took a walk up the street
And picked a flower and climbed the hill
Above the lake

And secret thoughts were said aloud
We watched the faces in the clouds
Until the clouds had blown away

And were we ever somewhere else
You know, it's hard to say

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

I can't believe a month ago
I was alone, I didn't know you
I hadn't seen or heard your name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream, It's like a rainbow, it's like the rain

And somethings are the way they are
And words just can't explain

Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

And it feels like now,
And it feels always,
And it feels like coming home

I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before

Oh, I, I never saw blue like that

#1 place to be when I'm dreaming (ie in the middle of Maskin's lectures): on the warm, sunny beach soaking up rays. 

#2 place to be: where this song describes... lying on top of some grassy hill staring at clouds in the sky.

Better this than smoke pot, which is what a surprising number of people have suggested that I do. =)

- Tsz Ting